It is so hard to find a job. At first I thought it was just me. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough or my resume doesn't look as good as I thought, but this lady in my gel group is having a hard time finding work too. The job market just sucks right now. But that does not mean that I'm giving up. Oh no, buddy, I am far from that, but sometimes you just need to vent. So I'm venting.

So I'm watching Oprah the other day and I think it's going to be an interesting show. They were going to "debunk the myths of motherhood". How disappointed was I. The myths of motherhood weren't really myths, just common sense stuff. Breastfeeding hurts, bonding with a child doesn't happen immediately, sometimes you yearn for the days you weren't a parent, you're not at all interested in sex after giving birth. I hate to say it, but...Well, duh!!! I was thoroughly disgusted to see what looked like mostly middle- to upper middle-class women bitch about nothing. Maybe it's because I wasn't raised with a lot of money, I actually saw my mother and those around me struggle, but I knew that parenthood was no fairy tale. Just like you don't kiss a toad and live happily ever after, you don't give birth and never have thoughts of locking your child in a closet until they're 23 and no longer talk back. That's what these goofy women get for thinking they could learn about being a mommy from Dr. Spock. Sometimes it hurts when I'm making love and he sucks too hard, I just deduced that an infant trying to extract milk would probably be painful sometimes too. Duh.

I don't see how I'm going to get out of this mess that I call my life. I need money and I can't find a job to save my life. If you want to send me money you can. PO Box 62080, Va Beach, Va 23466. Or you can just drop me a note telling me that you'd be interested in receiving my zine. Or just say hi.

So now I'm staying with Sarah in a beautiful 4 bedroom house, and I'm a bit more comfortable, but I still don't feel "at home". She has said that we can stay as long as we want, but still.... It should work out, she's very lonely since she separated from her husband and I need a place to stay, but I long to walk in the door and see my TV and my furniture and cook dinner with my dishes. I haven't had that in so long that I never realized how much I would miss such simple things that no one ever thinks about. 2 years of always having roommates. We may have split the bills evenly, but since it was always their stuff I still never felt at home. And the monthly storage bill for my stuff is ridiculous, I could have replaced my stuff 10 times over, but I think I keep holding on to it because I feel like it's mine in a world filled with other people's stuff. Oh well, life goes on right?
Today I think about how close I came to losing my sister September 11, 2001. She just moved back home from D.C. She lived crazy close to the Pentagon and she often traveled to New York on business and the corporate apartment was crazy close to the Twin Towers. On any given day she would walk by or too close to either one. God is good. All the time.

It really sucks being homeless. Jim and Mindy were gracious enough to allow me and my children stay with them, but I want to move as soon as possible. I do not want to wear out my welcome. These are the lessons that I learned: the face of homelessness is not necessarily the dirty face you see standing on the street corner holding a sign, and having a roommate can stab you in the back in the end.