For further information, consult God. --Ashleigh Brilliant

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I want my husband back. It's been the better part of a year since he's been gone and at times I've felt angry, lonely, alive, sad, relieved, overjoyed, tired, hopeful, hopeless, ugly, fat, beautiful, silly, proud, ashamed, at peace, restless, bold, young, old, and yet never quite right. My husband's an addict so I can't even describe what our relationship has been over these past 7 plus years, but it has always "been". We may have ceased being lovers, but we have never stopped being friends and I feel empty inside. I still wake up wanting to start my day with a conversation with him. I still long to have him next to me watching Jeopardy, or playing Trivial Pursuit on my cell phone. I want to laugh about the memories we share. I want him. I prayed and prayed and fasted and prayed some more. I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I wrote him a letter since seeing him is not an option right now. Now I get to sit a worry if he'll respond. Has too much happened between us? Did I allow too much time to pass? When we first separated I begged him to let me go, to tell me it was over, but he refused. Refused to say our marriage was over, that we couldn't be friends anymore, now I've traded places with him. I want to drop to my knees as he did and beg him to come home. But is it just because I'm lonely and don't want to admit failure? Do I really believe that love conquers all? He found solace with another woman, she fed his addiction. Fed his body with that poison to prove that she loved him more. It broke my heart to say "no" while she helped him drink his being away. Would he be willing to let her go completely? I expect him to be the awesome husband and father I married, she expected him to just be. Will I be able to let her go completely or will I always live with the fear of him turning back to her when temptation strikes? Or will he find someone else? All this worrying could be in vain. I reached out, he may not reach back. I love him, so I worry and I will wait.