For further information, consult God. --Ashleigh Brilliant

Sunday, June 11, 2006

I want to go back to church. I like going to church. I try to be a Christian. I smoke, cuss, have naughty thoughts about people I'm not married to, but I try. I really want to have a church that I can go to every week and enjoy. The past couple of weeks I've been going with my neighbor and I just know that it's not the place for me. This is often the case in "black" churches. My niece is gay, I don't need you sitting "up there" and telling me she's going to hell. Period. I don't need to hear you preaching politics from the pulpit. I'm too liberal for most churches, so I really like that separation of church and state thing. Don't talk to me about abortion in church and I promise not to tell you why I think you're crazy for interpreting that verse that way. I'm all for getting excited about your faith, but do you have to catch the Holy Ghost every 2 sentences? I'm trying to get home by 3. No, I don't want you to pray for me. I refused to go up for prayer today, so they came to the pew and gave it to me. I ain't ask for all that. Give it to the people who ask for it. I do like the Bible studies and the fact that you are expected to know scripture. You can't praise what you don't know. Well you could, but then you'd be a hypocrite and that's not cool.
I was raised Catholic, and I like the quiet, repetitive Mass. When I go, I can almost feel like I'm meditating and very close to God. Most Catholic churches don't offer childcare during services. I guess they figure it's only an hour, you can keep your kids quiet that long. I can for the most part, but kids can be unpredictable. Especially at 6 months, nearly 2 years and 4 years. Even my 9 year-old will sometimes feel the need to whisper an urgent question to me while reciting The Lord's Prayer. It would be cruel to make her wait to find out if she gets out of school early tomorrow or Tuesday. I've taken it upon myself to learn the meaning of the prayers we say and study the Bible. Most Catholic churches don't push that. Plus they aren't very racially mixed, are they? I'm very comfortable around white people, heck, I'm married to one, but I occasionally like to look around see more than 3-4 black faces in a sea of white.
My friend is a Jehovah's Witness and is always encouraging me to go to a meeting. I've read my share of their literature (you can always find one left at a bus stop), and frankly some the Biblical interpretations are like trying to describe why an apple is red while holding up a banana. I just don't understand it. Plus I'm not spending my Saturday mornings knocking on doors. Just not going to do it. Period. And I'm okay with calling God, God. If you feel so moved to say Jehovah, do what you gotta do, but I'm going to stick to God, no matter how many scripture verses you point out. Re-read that apple/banana thing.
My other friend is a Latter Day saint. Interesting. I've only attended service once so I'm going to reserve judgement on that one. I do like how they encourage domestic type issues, like having an emergency kit and 1 year food storage for your family. My friend has a monthly menu planned, weekly chore schedule, etc. I like how they make the idea of church a lifestyle and not just a once a week visit.
I've enjoyed service at Unity, Vineyard and various non-denominational churches, but I just can't be comfortable where week-by-week mine and my children's are the only black faces.

But this post is one big ramble. I shall end your misery now.
Maybe I'll start my own church.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Random Joy

1. What is one personality trait that you can both loathe and admire in a person?
Silence. I tend to be a quiet person, so I can appreciate someone who can sit in silence, but when I need you to talk, speak up!

2. How do you react when you've just told a joke that completely bombed?
I still laugh. Usually the person is aware that it bombed so you can all share a laugh about that.

3. When you’re sick, do you prefer to have people doting on you or would you rather everyone left you alone?
Both. I want you at my beck and call, but then once I have what I want, you must go away.

4. Do you prefer books/movies/stories that you can relate to, or ones that can take you far away from reality?
I'm a reader so I prefer books and my mood dictates what I read. Whether it's a biography of Einstein or a trashy romance, I read them all.

5. What's your preferred explanation of why we dream? Is there any deeper meaning or is it all random?
I rarely remember my dreams, so it's a crap shoot for me. I would like to believe that it's us working out our monkey mind when we dream, but who knows. I remember dreaming about being friends with Ricky Schroder back in his Silver Spoons days. What's the meaning behind that. I had dreams about my ex when my husband and I were going thru a rough patch and it brought complete clarity to my situation. Who knows?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

I think I am at a point where I need to seriously consider where I want my marriage to go. It's scary because up until now I have been putting it on the back burner and not really thinking about it. But it's been almost a year. I want to be either married or divorced, not terminally separated. We owe it to each other, but I just don't want to do it. I don't want to admit failure, I still love him, I don't want anyone to be able to say they told me so, I don't want the other person to win, I want vengence, I want to be right, I want to hate him forever, I can live without him, but can still see myself spending the rest of my life with him, I waited 30 plus years to get married because I believed that when I did it would be forever.